Feeling Wall

 

“Memories & feelings all compact in a chest creating a beautiful wall. This wall breathes feelings of not only mine but yours as well; let’s read the graceful wall which belongs to only us.”

 -feeling wall

This beautiful journey is going to be about feelings. You must be thinking, why feelings? What's so new about it? Well, I am a feeler, I feel things deeply, and I have realized that people don't like to express their feelings much. The more educated we think we are the more ego starts evolving between the relationship. How many times I have seen two people in a beautiful relationship, don't communicate their feelings to their significant other and they start thinking that our significant other doesn't care much about us, hence distance starts to elongate. And one-day their whole journey becomes a part of the hard disk, some likes to save and some likes to erase, I am that person who prefers erasing memories from my cell phone to my computer and from everywhere else. But what about the mind? It is still there, I am fine with that, I can close my eyes and visit that distorted memories but a picture or saved text would haunt me, it will take me back to the same place where I had felt that person so immensely and now all that happiness, tears, efforts and pain has led nowhere but its in my mind which I refrain to visit again. To be honest it's true when love is not balanced it f**ks you.

Now when I think what went wrong in my past relationships, I always feel that I never expressed much, how beautifully I felt about myself. Well, tell me honestly how many times you have expressed feelings for yourself? You haven't much right? Start expressing emotions to self, be honest and accept yourself. When you will know yourself then you will know how well you are going to gel with the other person or what you want that person to be. Many times we think we know what we want but honestly, that's a lie we tend to give ourselves. I never loved myself, always felt insecure, always compared myself with others, I was never satisfied with myself. I use to spend hours on stalking other people's lives on social media, I use to save their not so good looking pictures to fool myself and present a beautiful deception to myself. I was going crazy I knew, I knew something is taking away from me, I no longer recognized myself, I no longer knew what I really want for myself, I was chasing others dreams, their needs, their happiness and because of my action I always failed, I always left things in between. I am sure I am not the only one here in this world who felt this way. 

I am 28 years old and to be honest today, I have nothing of my own. I never had any successful relationship, all of them left me, and I begged each one of them to stay. I was in a toxic relationship because I myself was a toxic person. I was toxic to my mind, body, heart and soul. I was toxic to my family, my parents and my only sister.

 We all embrace our beauty and feel superior and tend to live in a lie created by us which in the end haunts us. It feels good when you embrace your flaws, it takes off the weight. Your flaws are part of you, it makes you, the unique you! And when you accept yourself, the right person will stand in front of you, to be a part of your flaws and imperfections. And I am again in love with a person, who is a bit of complicated to adjust in this world or to rephrase this sentence; he is sorted in this complicated world. The beauty of this person is his integrity. This integrity is underrated in this materialistic world. He may not have the perfect body or a job but his integrity surpasses all these things. I want to be with this gorgeous human being if he tries to accept himself and see how perfect he is in this imperfect world. I have no clue where my story will lead with this gorgeous man but I request you all start embracing your flaws, start having an expressive relationship with oneself, start expressing feelings on your wall, the wall which you have built between you and your unique identity. Please don't become a robot in this world and don't let these beautiful feelings become obsolete from our genes. Don’t build a communication gap with yourself. And when you express feelings to yourself you will see a satisfied more emotionally balanced person which you cannot constrain to fall in love with and you would not need any one's consent to make you feel good or accepted.